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انتهى الزمن بيننا

سلوى قاضلسلوى فاضل

بيني وبينك ثمة مشكلة وحيدة عالقة وهي أنك “زوجي”. فقط هذه الكلمة التي تصلني بك هي التي تؤرقني ولا شيء من الـ13عاما التي مضت يؤرقني..
لقد شبعت من حبك، ومن حنانك، ومن غرامك، لقد أدركت الآن كم أنت عاشق لي، إرتاح بالي.. وضعته على الرف.. وذهبت باحثة عن قلق جديد لي.
أنت الآن أخي وصديقي وحبيبي ورفيقي وضمانة أمني وإستقراري، وهذا هو سبب تخليّ عنك لأنك صرت لي, وملك حبي.
أنت أقفلت الباب على إثارتي وغيرتي وقلقي، وهنا لب المشكلة بيننا.. أردت إعلان حبك فكان إعلان موت العلاقة المثيرة لأنك تعرف أني أعيش للقلق، وأنمو عليه ويقهرني الإطمئنان والسكينة..
كنت عشيقي قبل إستقراري، فصرت رفيقي بعد إعلانك الإستسلام لحبيّ.
وهذا ما لم أرده أبدا لنا…
أنت تعرفني وتعرف نفسي أكثر مني..
وتعرف أني أهوى القلق والحزن والعشق واللإستقرار لأني ولدت هكذا، وسأبقى هكذا..
أنت من دفن علاقتنا حين أخرجها الى الروتين، الى الرواق، الى الهدوء، وأبعدها عن الأنانية..
لقد إخترت موتها دون أن تدري، وأنا إخترت إعلان ذلك بإرادتي..
فلا تحزن عليها..
كانت رائعة ومميزة وجميلة..
كانت حياة حبّ وعشق وغرام وزواج وزمالة ورفقة وكل شيء..
لقد إستنفذت كل صورها ووجوهها..
فلن نجد لها بعد اليوم صورة جديدة نعيشها..
لقد تحوّلت الى حياة زوجيّة..
كما قلت لك في البداية.. مشكلتي معك هي أنك “زوجي”
وأنا لا أريدك زوجي,
وهذا القرار الذي لا زلت تذكّرني به كثيرا مؤخرا، هو الذي أحيّا علاقتنا على مدى 13 سنة،
لكن حين حولناها الى زوج وزوجة.. ماتت ببطء،
أماتها الروتين الذي حاولنا قدرالمستطاع ترحيله من سريرنا,,
سريرنا الذي حمل أجمل لحظات الحب والعشق والغرام.
لأدعوك لأن تقبل قراري..
وهو أني لم أعد قادرة على الإستثارة، ولا على الإثارة، ولا على بثّ الشغف بيننا،
لقد إنتهيتُ حين إكتشفتُ ملء غرامك بي
أنت تعرفني.. أنا أبحث عن قاتلي، وخانقي، ومن يشنقني.. لا عن حبيبي،
وأنت اليوم تحولت الى حبيب..
سأقول لك الوداع لأنك لن تقبل الحل الوسط بيننا.

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